"I'm getting married because I love Peter and want to be his wife. I'm happy to give him his dream of a lighthouse wedding because seeing him get so involved makes me happy. I'm not going to complain or be difficult about any of the details. I have decided not to complain about sunlight, sand or wind. My dress is the most important detail of the wedding. I can have any dress I want and don't need to ask anyone permission about any detail related to what I'll be wearing. Everything else is irrelevant. If something bad happens, I will accept it and carry on with the day. If things go wrong, that's Anna's problem. Thats what we have paid her for. I have to let her do her job. Peter's mother is a manipulative bitch, I will not allow her to steal my joy. Therefore I am on operation 'Kill Her With Kindness'. It's our day and I am going to enjoy myself, no matter what happens. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS."
I wrote this contract to myself on the inside of a greeting card and carried it around with me everywhere. Sometimes I would sneak off to the loo just to have a read of it in private. At first I thought it was a really stupid exercise, but when our wedding planner threatened to quit because I was being a nightmare, I realised that I was deeply unhappy. And I didn't want to be deeply unhappy about my wedding day.
We live in London and it's where we met and where we work. I wanted to get married in a sophisticated city style wedding. I'd even purchased a glossy black golf umbrella a few days after Peter proposed for the inevitable rain. It just made sense for our wedding to be an extension of our lives here. I had visions of getting dressed in our flat and taking a black cab to the registrar's office and stopping by our favourite spot for a coffee before a hotel reception. I had a simple and elegant vision. I was even looking forward to the soft light of a grey afternoon.
But Peter wanted a wedding IN A LIGHTHOUSE and this is where my problems began. I hate all that seaside nautical themed kitsch and couldn't believe he was so enthusiastic about it. In between his proposal and my bridezilla breakdown, we attended two other weddings and I was jealous and angry about both of them and about how happy my friends were. I felt like a fraud because I was dreading my own 'Big Day'. Everything felt like it wasn't real or authentic. I felt a lot of anxiety about the money we were spending on a day that I knew I wasn't in love with. I wanted to get married but I didn't want to go through with the wedding.
I was so unhappy and critical about everything, I knew it was turning into something really ugly and I didn't realise at the time that I was so angry until I took the time to write down what I was thinking - in all its illogical glory.
I have to admit that taking a weekend to write down answers to the 10 steps really worked for me and I recommend it to everyone who is planning their wedding. It made me put things into order and priority and once I'd done that, my enthusiasm for the wedding I'd never really wanted, actually arrived.
