But wait. Is that the Akoya Pearl Pendant set you'd had your heart on? You outright stare at this unsuspecting bride as she passes by with a big smile for you and everyone around you, but you've got bigger things to think about than niceties. You step forward to get a closer look and yes, it is. The very same. She passes by you in a soft floral waft. Your skin bristles. You know that scent, its Mademoiselle by Chanel and it was your wedding day perfume choice too, before you'd decided on wearing your grandmother's favourite as your 'something old.' Now you just feel about as elegant as a cloud of talcum powder.
And did you see her smile? She went full out with her makeup - no doubt professional, whereas you opted for a natural, subtle look which you'd applied yourself. And its not like you couldn't have gone with the pink lip, you just thought it looked so over the top. But now, nestled against a backdrop of white lace, pearls and lavishly curled hair, well, it just works.
And you're not even going to think about her veil which has that scalloped edging you didn't think was worth the extra money. And anyway, yours isn't supposed to drape across the face like that, you hate that look. And if you started messing with it now, pinned up as it is in your hair, you'd mess up your hair and the veil and that would not be a good look. And you'd probably end up in the toilets, trying make it look right. Even if you do suddenly think you look better with your hair down. You will not spend the minutes before your wedding stuck in the toilets re-arranging your hair. End of. You.Will. Not.
And you thought there was something fresh about choosing white tulips over white roses - I mean, roses- haven't they been done to death already? What a cliche. You just wanted to shake it up a bit. But now it feels like you're holding a vase arrangement on your wedding day instead of a bouquet and what is even up with that other bride? Looking so perfect in all your ideas; you know the ones, the ones you thought of and then dismissed. And now you've seen them and you're all deflated.
You've got bridal envy and you've got it bad.
So what's a bride in meltdown to do? Read on...
Bridal envy is surprisingly common. It might be a full blown crisis as above (based on true events I'm sorry to report) or it might be that little niggle in the back of your mind which suddenly speaks out when you see a bride in a horse and carriage - after thinking that was a hideous and tacky mode of transport right up until the moment you actually saw it with your own eyes on your own wedding day whilst stuck in traffic in a beat up cab. Tough but true. Here are 10 steps you can take to overcome Bridal Envy or help someone else overcome it in their moment of need (essential reading for Bridesmaids).
- Write a list of reasons why you are getting married (these are the emotional reasons)
- Write a list of reasons why you are getting married in the manner you have chosen (it might be for a family get together, a reunion, an excuse to party or it might be because you're in a hurry, or on a deadline, or merging it with a birthday or re-location, or it might be financially based. Be honest and write down everything that applies)
- Write down the details of your fantasy wedding, with no expense spared. Get down into details and really flesh it out.
- Compare your fantasy to the reality and write a list of what they both share.
- Write a list of everything you are 'lacking' from your reality wedding. really consider what the specific items are
- Write a wishlist of these specific but missing items and potential occasions to have them in the future. For example, we can't afford an ice carving of a swan at our wedding, but we could have this on our first, or fifth, anniversary. Do this for all the items,
- Confirm what the most important part of the wedding is for you and write it down. It might be your wedding dress. Or it might be the ring. Be honest. Most women will say that 'getting married' is the most important thing. But is that true for you? Really? If on the morning of your wedding, your dress was destroyed, would you go ahead with the wedding?
- Write down what you would do in the event of a series of disasters. Where would you draw the line? If the church flooded, would you wear wellingtons to get married? Or call the whole thing off? If the cake was smashed in the truck and your were left with a nasty sponge from the supermarket, would it be a deal breaker? If you suffered an allergic reaction the night before and were covered in a visible rash, what then? Get dramatic, but be honest with yourself.
- Write down what would make you look your absolute best on your wedding day and how you'll achieve that. And what you'll do if you don't.
- Read over all your honest answers and think about what is bothering you. What stands out for you. Then, write a statement about about your wedding day based on your own emotional truths, on a notecard or have it printed on fancy paper and keep it with you at all times and take it out and read it whenever you need to.
Why this works: bridal envy boils down to insecurity, fear and feelings of low self worth. When you take the time to write down all your thoughts about your wedding and the reality of it- the good and the bad, you can be as honest as you like, free of judgement and fear. Then you can emotionally start overcoming the little hiccups that build up as tension. It's the tension and fear that make little dramas on the day look like insurmountable disasters. Its very common for brides to turn little things into big things because they feel anxious - usually about something completely unrelated. By knowing and writing down what you feel about yoru wedding day, you can prevent the ugliness of envy marring your special day.
Tomorrow we'll be posting the real life 'statement' of step 10, from a bride who used this method to keep her anxiety and envy under control on her big day. Don't miss it.
